Setelah hampir setengah tahun vakum (halahhhh….hehe), I start to write on my blog! Iyeeeeiiyy!! Ini semua tidak terlepas dari kebodohan saya yang LUPA dengan password account ini (astagaa…memang kalo bego atau pikun gak usah sok2 banyak berahasia deh yaa)..Hmmm.. there are hundreds story that I would like to tell, to share, after months as you know..But...as I just have something…emm..just say it kind of brokenhearted story, I’d like to put it as my ‘premier’ after long-long holiday.. (well, it’s been years I thought i have a crush on someone, and finally I know my heart is still working lho…hehe)
Start from months ago, I meet one of my old colleague at facebook, he was my senior at school actually. And we know each other since childhood, but we never talk each other before. And 2 months ago, after being friends by that social network, he called me by chat, and we have a talk since that maghrib. Because the network was not okay and I was about to going home, I send him message and we continue our chat by message on the other day. And we change our phone number, and you may guess we start a kind of communication in a way. Yeah you’re right J
Day by day and right before I spend a month communicating, I ask him what kind of relationship that we are doing right now? And he juat could not explain, except saying that he was comfort with me, as friend, sister and woman, and let just run this ‘no name relationship’ without thinking macem-macem, katanya.. oh yaa, I think he named our relationship, he named it ‘abang-adek’ :)
And we continue our long-distance-abang-adek-relationship. Haven’t said that we’re not living in the same city yaa? I’ stuck here, and he’s somewhere out there, in a city and just call it “S”. Oh yaa, haven’t said the name also..hehe… well his name is rather panjang and resmi, hehe, I called him abang, and just use that name in this story okay? *no protest please*
I should say that even there was no commitment except being abang-adek, honestly I feel, do feel comfortable with him. The communication is quite intens, by sms since morning, afternoon, until both of us go to sleep. Bangunin dia subuh2 kalo dia masuk kantor pagi, trus ngingetin makan, dan nungguin salah satu yang pulang lebih malem (biasanya dia, karena saya sudah agak jarang pulang malem sekarang yaa..alhamdulillah..*gak tau deh bulan depan yaa..secara skrg mulai datang proyek2 menuju bulan puasa, lagiiii*). And he’s been a nice person for this 2 months, and I think I’ve found someone I’m looking for, in he, himself. Seseorang yang saya pikir mungkin gak bakal saya temui, dengan kondisi hati yang trauma, emm phobia lebih tepatnya, akibat kejahatan masa lalu :) dan nyaman aja dengan semua perhatian, kebaikan dan sifatnya dia. Mungkin karena selama ini, terakhir kali hubungan yang saya jalanin, cukup aneh, dengan ketidakjelasan selama 2,5 tahun, akhirnya jadian, tapi cuma bertahan seminggu dan setelah itu, deket dengan beberapa orang tapi gak sampe tahap senyaman ini. He’s a good guy, gak ngerokok (PENTING!!), sabar, tenang, punya inisiatif, gak emosian, dan emm..pinter memanjakan. Dari awal saya yang jarang bisa manja sama orang *I was trained to be independent*, dan semanja-manjanya saya sama orang, I think this is the worse one..hehe! belum2 saya udah ngambek, dan entah kenapa menurut saya saya gak bakal ngambek kalo aja orangnya bukan dia. Tadinya yang gak mau ngambek tapi karena he treated me in a such way, saya beneran ngembek dan he tried to please me, mujukin saya, etc, sampai saya balik lagi. And it happened again and again sampai saya merasa hubungan ini benar-benar membuat saya seperti orang baru, yang bergantung emotionally sama seseorang *which is not my parents* and I turn to be more sensitive in these months, daripada yang sebelum-sebelumnya.
Semua perhatian, dan sesitivitas saya, saya tumpahkan ke orang ini, yang ternyata *menurut saya* mendapat balasan yang membuat saya semakin jauh terlarut dalam pesona perhatiannya, dan kesabarannya, yang sejujurnya belum pernah saya temukan selama ini pada diri orang lain. Tiap kali sms/telp, saya gak perlu menjelaskan saya ngambek atau gak, he knew it in a way, dan berusaha memujuk saya, that’s my favourite part! Hehe… we do talking, texting each other, show our care and sometimes menghayal bersama tentang cerita2 gak penting yang sekarang membuat saya kangen L
*hey, you haven’t finished that story yet, abang! That I stucked with the horse and you’re still at the ophthalmologist..hmmm…see you owe me one now :) *
Briefly, saya sampai ke suatu saat di mana saya gamang dengan kondisi dan posisi saya di mata dia, what am I actually? His bestfriend? His sister? Or what??
Facing that question, after 2 months care and abang-adek conversation which I thought I start to fall for this guy, ternyata dia gak siap. He said he does comfort with me, now we’re close, and there were no one except me, in that close now, butttttttt… he still ‘trauma’ with his last relationship, and would rather wait and know his couple to convince that he’s ready, than jump into relationship in a rush.
What crossed my mind at that time *dawn time* was WHAT?? YOU’RE NOT READY YET?? THEN WHY YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY, ABANG??
It’s like a bomb exploded my head, my heart lebih parah tapi.. and I cant think other way that that night, just finished this relationship. I cant stand while he could not fix the status, while he, everyday, shower me those cares, and treat me like I am the only one (iyaa sih salah gw juga, knp juga gw segitu gampangnya fall for a guy yang wujudnya aja belom gw temui lagi dan bisa aja kan dia selama ini just play for fun? deeenggggg....)
He now what kind of girl I am kalo ‘selese’ berhubungan sama orang, berarti ya selese juga komunikasi dengan orang tersebut. Termasuk dia. Even he said that gak ada lagi yang bangunin dia pagi2, ngingetin makan, nungguin dia pulang, which is impas dong sama gw yang juga merasakan hal yang sama, kehilangan semua perhatian itu, semua perasaan dibutuhkan itu.
He offered me to still ‘rely on’ him (baca : ngambek-ngambekan sama dia) kalo emang masih mau, but I cant except the offer, sama halnya juga dengan tawaran menganggapnya sebagai abang beneran while I don’t have any, also rejected by me. Sorry, abang.. L
It’s not what I want, it’s not what I need..
Justru kalo aku terima tawaran itu, it’ll destroy me slowly, karena ketergantunganku dan perasaanku sendiri…
Ended? I guess…
But honestly I never thought it would be this hard. Tadinya gw ‘hanya’ mikir, yaelahhh..yang 2,5 taun menggila aja gw I can passed it smoothly, I only cried once, dan gak nangis-nangis lagi sampe 5/6 bulan berikutnya, dan fine walaupun makan dalem (siklus haid sempat tidak menentu dan sakit di dalem, tapi it’s just happened trus udah..), masak yang 2 bulan ini bias lebih parah?? Gak mungkin dong??!
Eng ing eng…perkiraan si bodoh ini ternyata salah… SALAH BESAR!!
He must be someone sent from above sampe2 kemaren bisa bikin saya nangis berkali-kali kali dalam sehari (tiap solat dan tiap sms/telp temen saya, yang bertanya tentang kondisi saya after that ‘breakup’), dan berasa kayak orang bego seharian kemaren.. makan cuma sekali (gak abis!) dan saya gak laper sampe malemnya, dan tidur hanya dengan minum susu ultra coklat..
Tidur juga cuma 2 jam malemnya, dan seharian gak bisa tidur, tiap tidur kepala saya kayak berantem, trus kebayang, dan yang paling parah, saya males ke kamar saya sendiri :)
I really wanna text him that time! And want to tell him, that I knocked out by my own decision!
What s ‘break-up”!
You must said that this is a story of a fool-20ish-girl yang dengan gampangnya jatuh cinta dan berharap dengan someone out there, trus gak siap dengan kenyataan kalo cowoknya gak segitunya dan bum!! You’re got dumped!!
Yess, whatever, but it’s me here, who tanpa sadar dan menyadari, has fallen for a guy in a moment, and it’s deep..
It’s me who’s in a trauma in past, and think it would be hard for me to fall I love again (secara selama 1,5 tahun ini mantan gw masih berseliweran), but yess, now I realize that i fall for you, abang :) if that’s the question now…
And it’s me who’s now just realize that ternyata gw segitunya ya sama ni orang, dan segitu bergantungnya gw selama dua bulan ini dengan orang ini…
So now I should start a new life, a new new life, atau melanjutkan kehidupanku yang terhenti 2 bulan lalu?
Without those sms, calls, care dan pujukan-pujukan yang menenangkan..
Yup, have to trust the one, kalo emang jodoh gak kemana, kalo emang gak jodoh ya kemana mana :)
Iya kan? *winkwink
ps : hey, I wrote this without crying lho!! *clapclapclap* finally..hehe I can smile setelah banyak tetes air mata yang keluar, tanpa diminta.. and you know what? This time I don’t delete him from my friends list di facebook and his number too in my cellphone.. (padahal kalo dulu2 mah gak usah disuru langsung gw delete saking childishnya! Hehehe :)
I wanna try to hug this pain, as much as I can, to heal myself in a way, that yess I’ve met someone good, great maybe, but unfortunately, we don’t have the same purpose..
Oh ya terakhir dia bilang ‘semoga adek mendapatkan yang lebih baik dari abang, lebih segala-galanya’, and I think I’ve ever heard that before..
I should ask him then kenapa gak abang aja jadi yang terbaik untuk adek? Kenapa adek harus nungguin orang lain kalau sekarang abang yang terbaik?
Well.. I know that he’s just not that into me :)
Start from months ago, I meet one of my old colleague at facebook, he was my senior at school actually. And we know each other since childhood, but we never talk each other before. And 2 months ago, after being friends by that social network, he called me by chat, and we have a talk since that maghrib. Because the network was not okay and I was about to going home, I send him message and we continue our chat by message on the other day. And we change our phone number, and you may guess we start a kind of communication in a way. Yeah you’re right J
Day by day and right before I spend a month communicating, I ask him what kind of relationship that we are doing right now? And he juat could not explain, except saying that he was comfort with me, as friend, sister and woman, and let just run this ‘no name relationship’ without thinking macem-macem, katanya.. oh yaa, I think he named our relationship, he named it ‘abang-adek’ :)
And we continue our long-distance-abang-adek-relationship. Haven’t said that we’re not living in the same city yaa? I’ stuck here, and he’s somewhere out there, in a city and just call it “S”. Oh yaa, haven’t said the name also..hehe… well his name is rather panjang and resmi, hehe, I called him abang, and just use that name in this story okay? *no protest please*
I should say that even there was no commitment except being abang-adek, honestly I feel, do feel comfortable with him. The communication is quite intens, by sms since morning, afternoon, until both of us go to sleep. Bangunin dia subuh2 kalo dia masuk kantor pagi, trus ngingetin makan, dan nungguin salah satu yang pulang lebih malem (biasanya dia, karena saya sudah agak jarang pulang malem sekarang yaa..alhamdulillah..*gak tau deh bulan depan yaa..secara skrg mulai datang proyek2 menuju bulan puasa, lagiiii*). And he’s been a nice person for this 2 months, and I think I’ve found someone I’m looking for, in he, himself. Seseorang yang saya pikir mungkin gak bakal saya temui, dengan kondisi hati yang trauma, emm phobia lebih tepatnya, akibat kejahatan masa lalu :) dan nyaman aja dengan semua perhatian, kebaikan dan sifatnya dia. Mungkin karena selama ini, terakhir kali hubungan yang saya jalanin, cukup aneh, dengan ketidakjelasan selama 2,5 tahun, akhirnya jadian, tapi cuma bertahan seminggu dan setelah itu, deket dengan beberapa orang tapi gak sampe tahap senyaman ini. He’s a good guy, gak ngerokok (PENTING!!), sabar, tenang, punya inisiatif, gak emosian, dan emm..pinter memanjakan. Dari awal saya yang jarang bisa manja sama orang *I was trained to be independent*, dan semanja-manjanya saya sama orang, I think this is the worse one..hehe! belum2 saya udah ngambek, dan entah kenapa menurut saya saya gak bakal ngambek kalo aja orangnya bukan dia. Tadinya yang gak mau ngambek tapi karena he treated me in a such way, saya beneran ngembek dan he tried to please me, mujukin saya, etc, sampai saya balik lagi. And it happened again and again sampai saya merasa hubungan ini benar-benar membuat saya seperti orang baru, yang bergantung emotionally sama seseorang *which is not my parents* and I turn to be more sensitive in these months, daripada yang sebelum-sebelumnya.
Semua perhatian, dan sesitivitas saya, saya tumpahkan ke orang ini, yang ternyata *menurut saya* mendapat balasan yang membuat saya semakin jauh terlarut dalam pesona perhatiannya, dan kesabarannya, yang sejujurnya belum pernah saya temukan selama ini pada diri orang lain. Tiap kali sms/telp, saya gak perlu menjelaskan saya ngambek atau gak, he knew it in a way, dan berusaha memujuk saya, that’s my favourite part! Hehe… we do talking, texting each other, show our care and sometimes menghayal bersama tentang cerita2 gak penting yang sekarang membuat saya kangen L
*hey, you haven’t finished that story yet, abang! That I stucked with the horse and you’re still at the ophthalmologist..hmmm…see you owe me one now :) *
Briefly, saya sampai ke suatu saat di mana saya gamang dengan kondisi dan posisi saya di mata dia, what am I actually? His bestfriend? His sister? Or what??
Facing that question, after 2 months care and abang-adek conversation which I thought I start to fall for this guy, ternyata dia gak siap. He said he does comfort with me, now we’re close, and there were no one except me, in that close now, butttttttt… he still ‘trauma’ with his last relationship, and would rather wait and know his couple to convince that he’s ready, than jump into relationship in a rush.
What crossed my mind at that time *dawn time* was WHAT?? YOU’RE NOT READY YET?? THEN WHY YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY, ABANG??
It’s like a bomb exploded my head, my heart lebih parah tapi.. and I cant think other way that that night, just finished this relationship. I cant stand while he could not fix the status, while he, everyday, shower me those cares, and treat me like I am the only one (iyaa sih salah gw juga, knp juga gw segitu gampangnya fall for a guy yang wujudnya aja belom gw temui lagi dan bisa aja kan dia selama ini just play for fun? deeenggggg....)
He now what kind of girl I am kalo ‘selese’ berhubungan sama orang, berarti ya selese juga komunikasi dengan orang tersebut. Termasuk dia. Even he said that gak ada lagi yang bangunin dia pagi2, ngingetin makan, nungguin dia pulang, which is impas dong sama gw yang juga merasakan hal yang sama, kehilangan semua perhatian itu, semua perasaan dibutuhkan itu.
He offered me to still ‘rely on’ him (baca : ngambek-ngambekan sama dia) kalo emang masih mau, but I cant except the offer, sama halnya juga dengan tawaran menganggapnya sebagai abang beneran while I don’t have any, also rejected by me. Sorry, abang.. L
It’s not what I want, it’s not what I need..
Justru kalo aku terima tawaran itu, it’ll destroy me slowly, karena ketergantunganku dan perasaanku sendiri…
Ended? I guess…
But honestly I never thought it would be this hard. Tadinya gw ‘hanya’ mikir, yaelahhh..yang 2,5 taun menggila aja gw I can passed it smoothly, I only cried once, dan gak nangis-nangis lagi sampe 5/6 bulan berikutnya, dan fine walaupun makan dalem (siklus haid sempat tidak menentu dan sakit di dalem, tapi it’s just happened trus udah..), masak yang 2 bulan ini bias lebih parah?? Gak mungkin dong??!
Eng ing eng…perkiraan si bodoh ini ternyata salah… SALAH BESAR!!
He must be someone sent from above sampe2 kemaren bisa bikin saya nangis berkali-kali kali dalam sehari (tiap solat dan tiap sms/telp temen saya, yang bertanya tentang kondisi saya after that ‘breakup’), dan berasa kayak orang bego seharian kemaren.. makan cuma sekali (gak abis!) dan saya gak laper sampe malemnya, dan tidur hanya dengan minum susu ultra coklat..
Tidur juga cuma 2 jam malemnya, dan seharian gak bisa tidur, tiap tidur kepala saya kayak berantem, trus kebayang, dan yang paling parah, saya males ke kamar saya sendiri :)
I really wanna text him that time! And want to tell him, that I knocked out by my own decision!
What s ‘break-up”!
You must said that this is a story of a fool-20ish-girl yang dengan gampangnya jatuh cinta dan berharap dengan someone out there, trus gak siap dengan kenyataan kalo cowoknya gak segitunya dan bum!! You’re got dumped!!
Yess, whatever, but it’s me here, who tanpa sadar dan menyadari, has fallen for a guy in a moment, and it’s deep..
It’s me who’s in a trauma in past, and think it would be hard for me to fall I love again (secara selama 1,5 tahun ini mantan gw masih berseliweran), but yess, now I realize that i fall for you, abang :) if that’s the question now…
And it’s me who’s now just realize that ternyata gw segitunya ya sama ni orang, dan segitu bergantungnya gw selama dua bulan ini dengan orang ini…
So now I should start a new life, a new new life, atau melanjutkan kehidupanku yang terhenti 2 bulan lalu?
Without those sms, calls, care dan pujukan-pujukan yang menenangkan..
Yup, have to trust the one, kalo emang jodoh gak kemana, kalo emang gak jodoh ya kemana mana :)
Iya kan? *winkwink
ps : hey, I wrote this without crying lho!! *clapclapclap* finally..hehe I can smile setelah banyak tetes air mata yang keluar, tanpa diminta.. and you know what? This time I don’t delete him from my friends list di facebook and his number too in my cellphone.. (padahal kalo dulu2 mah gak usah disuru langsung gw delete saking childishnya! Hehehe :)
I wanna try to hug this pain, as much as I can, to heal myself in a way, that yess I’ve met someone good, great maybe, but unfortunately, we don’t have the same purpose..
Oh ya terakhir dia bilang ‘semoga adek mendapatkan yang lebih baik dari abang, lebih segala-galanya’, and I think I’ve ever heard that before..
I should ask him then kenapa gak abang aja jadi yang terbaik untuk adek? Kenapa adek harus nungguin orang lain kalau sekarang abang yang terbaik?
Well.. I know that he’s just not that into me :)
No comments:
Post a Comment